JOB APPLICATION LINGO

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Word.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I’M PERSONABLE: I talk to other employeess at least 3 hours every work day.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a day planner and wear fancy shoes.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve been fired a lot.

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