COURT TALKS

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?

Judge: “Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give your wife $775.00 a week.”

Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You said the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to our attorney?
A: No, this is how I usually dress for work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

LOVE LETTER

It is so funny and creative. This is a love letter from a boy to a girl. However, the girl’s
father does not like him and wants them to stop their relationship and so the boy wrote this
letter to the girl… he knows that the girl’s father will definitely read this letter

1. The great love that I have for you
2. is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3. grows every day. When I see you,
4. I do not even like your face,
5. the one thing that I want to do is to
6. look at other girls. I never wanted to
7. marry you. Our last conversation
8. was very boring and has not
9. made me look forward to seeing you again.
10. You think only of yourself.
11. If we were married, i know that I would find
12. life very difficult, and I would have no
13. pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14. to give, but it is not something that
15. I want to give to you. No one is more
16. foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17. able to care for me and help me.
18. I sincerely want you to understand that
19. I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20. if you think this is the end. Do not try
21. to answer this. Your letters are full of
22. things that do not interest me. You have no
23. true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24. I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25. I am still your boyfriend.

So bad!!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl… the boy told the girl to READ
BETWEEN THE LINES, meaning only to read 1.3.5.7.9… (Odd nos.)

So.. please try reading it again! It’s so smart and sweet… It is better to laugh about our
problems than to cry about them.
………. cheers 😀

DID YOU KNOW THAT…

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to be a this wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of thumb”

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.-

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades – King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England,when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY….. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

JOB APPLICATION LINGO

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Word.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I’M PERSONABLE: I talk to other employeess at least 3 hours every work day.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a day planner and wear fancy shoes.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve been fired a lot.

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that….uh….that uh….thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again.

Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A: Ruthless

Q: What do they call Pastor’s in Germany?
A: German Shepherd’s.

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh’s daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little Prophet.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Fury.

David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Now who knew the Bible was so full of puns and jokes?

LOVE FROM THE MOUTH OF BABES

What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca – age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”
Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate.”
Nikka – age 6
(We need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (What an image)
Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

And the final one–Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

THIS IS BETTER THAN SAYING “I LOVE YOU”

Marty woke up at home with a huge hangover.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table,”Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he went to the kitchen and sure enough there was hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Marty asked, “Son, what happened last night?” His son said, “Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

“Confused, Marty asked, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and! Breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replied, “Oh, that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said,  “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

EXPLANATION OF GOD

It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista , CA . He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to “explain God.” I wonder if any of us could have done as well? [ .. and he had such an assignment, in California , and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen ! … ]

“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.”

“God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.”

“God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.”

“Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren’t any who come to our church.”

“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.”

“His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.”

“You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.”

“You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!

Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.”

“If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.”

“But…you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And…that’s why I believe in God.”

LAST WRITES

by Gyles Brandreth

The author, who enjoys walking around graveyards, has actually seen most of these epitaphs on tombstones; a few were written for publication rather than inscription.

Beneath this stone, the lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
who too early in the month of May took off his winter flannels.
(Medway, Mass.)

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44, no Les, no more.
(Tombstone, Ariz.)

Here lies the bones of Richard Lawton
Whose death, alas! was strangely brought on.
Trying his corns one day to mow off,
His razor slipped and cut his toe off,
His toe, or rather what it grew to,
An inflammation quickly flew to.
Which took, alas! to mortifying,
And was the cause of Ricahrd’s dying.
(Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire)

Ruth S. Kibbe, wife
of Alvin J. Stanton
May 5, 1861
April 5, 1904
The Lord don’t make any mistakes.
(South Plymouth, NY)

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May
Began to hold her tongue.
(Hatfield, Mass.)

Sacred to the memory of
Elisha Philbrook and his wife, Sarah.
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.
(Sargentville, Maine)

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
(Enosburg, Vt.)

Played five aces,
Now playing the harp.
(Dodge City, Kan.)

He called Bill Smith a liar.
(Cripple Creek, Colo.)

Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates
Who died Aug. the 6th 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street
has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns
to be comforted.
(Lincoln, Maine)

Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
(Skaneateles, N.Y.)

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
Who burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder
Called from this world to her Heavenly Rest
She should have waited till it effervesced.
(Burlington, N.J.)

Sacred to the memory of inestimable worth
Of unrivalled excellence and virtue, N.R., whose
Ethereal parts became seraphic, May 25th, 1767.
(Litchfield, Conn.)

Here lies Jane Smith, wife
of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This
monument was erected by her husband as a
tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of the same style 350 dollars.
(Springdale, Ohio)

In memory of Mrs. Alpha White
Weight 309 lbs.
Open wide ye heavenly gates
That lead to the heavenly shore;
Our father suffered in passing through
And mother weighs much more.
(Lee, Mass.)